In my therapy session today I feel I have stumbled upon something interesting: I was describing my dreams, the back pain, which happened yesterday morning from exercising with my daughter, my annoyance with y parents making me run with my brother as if I had to be responsible for his health, because they don’t want to be responsible anymore. And without asking I am being forced to act as if I was his parent, without choosing it and when I mentioned they’re doing this they get defensive. I am exhausted enough from being responsible for my own children(which was my choice) and from feeling responsible for my father(which, again, was not my choice, similarly to the situation with my brother)
So I am feeling so totally and absolutely overwhelmed with responsibility it makes me really unhappy as a mother, it paralyses me as an artist, it is making me think I will never be able to work because I can’t not take care of my children. I feel like everything that will happen with them in their lives is my responsibility. If things go wrong, I am to be blamed for it.
I am drowning in the sea of responsibility. I am crushed under a mountain of responsibility. I am paralysed with responsibility. I need to get out of this. My therapist said she couldn’t believe and was mesmerised how I didn’t just run away and leave my family because the weight of reponsibility makes it so unpleasant to be a mother, so unbearable.
But the story is: my mother got divorced and chose my stepfather so I got stuck with my father and his feelings, which he was unable not to burden me with. My mother had my brother and post natal depression so I got stuck feeling mentally responsible for my brother, feeling like his mother. My children now need me but I feel like I need to give them more than it is physically possible.
Letter to my brother 11.07.2004, when he was 7 and I was 22 years old:
Kochany braciszku,
Chciałabym napisać do Ciebie list, który może kiedyś przeczytasz, jak będziesz w moim wieku — może młodszy, nie wiem. Mam 22 lata i jestem Twoją siostrą. To znaczy, bardzo chciałabym nią być, ale prawda jest taka, że nigdy nie ma mnie przy Tobie, bo mieszkam w innym kraju i przyjeżdżam do Ciebie tylko na wakacje i na Gwiazdkę.
Smutno mi, bo mam u siebie w pokoju mnóstwo Twoich zdjęć i często myślę o Tobie, ale tak naprawdę niewiele wiem o tym, jaki jesteś, co lubisz robić na co dzień, czego nie lubisz.
A najbardziej chciałabym wiedzieć, czy mi kiedyś wybaczysz, że wyjechałam do innego kraju, a nie zostałam w Polsce przy Tobie. Mam nadzieję, że kiedyś uda nam się spędzić więcej czasu razem i lepiej się poznać.
Zawsze marzyłam o tym, żeby mieć brata i nareszcie go mam. Antolku, bardzo Cię kocham i chciałabym tylko, żebyś o mnie nie zapomniał — że zawsze będziesz dla mnie najukochańszym braciszkiem i zawsze będę Ci pomagała, kiedy będziesz mnie potrzebował.
Kocham Cię,
Twoja siostra Ola
My dear little brother,
I would like to write you a letter that maybe you will read someday when you are my age — or maybe younger, I don’t know. I am 22 years old and I am your sister. Or rather, I really wish I could be, but the truth is that I’m never there with you, because I live in another country and I only visit you during holidays and at Christmas.
It makes me sad, because I have many photos of you in my room and I often think about you, but in reality I don’t know much about what you are like, what you enjoy doing every day, or what you don’t like.
Most of all, I wish I knew whether you will ever forgive me for moving to another country instead of staying in Poland with you. I hope that one day we will be able to spend more time together and get to know each other better.
I have always dreamed of having a brother, and now I finally do. Antolek, I love you very much and I only wish that you won’t forget about me — that you will always be my dearest little brother, and that I will always help you whenever you need me.
I love you,
Your sister,
Ola