As I continue working on The Maiden(can’t seem to want to give up, I feel like there’s still stuff I want to say with this one), the failure of embroidery behind me, the multiple hourse spent on removing the oil paint figures, then multiple hours sketching them again and drawing them in very precisely with the stained glass outliner, I am tired of the precision now. I wanted to go back to the spontaneity of pouring paint and find a way to add the plaits to the figures. Instead of doing the tedious embroidery , after spending Friday evening plaiting my daughters entire head for a Talent Show, and then taking the plaits out yesterday evening, I realised something: If I want my Maidens to have plaits I should just make the hair from thread and plait them as I did with my dughter! Again here, the memories of my mum plainting my hair for gymnastics competitions, hanging out with my friend and her mum, both of them plaiting our hair, this memory, only semi vivid in my head, but somehow warm and positive, that feeling of togetherness and belonging, of community, just chatting away while doing it, a wave of “this is so satisfying” and “this makes me feel relaxed” went through me. That said, trying to reproduce that same feeling while alone is not so easy. And the final effect? 8 intentionally messy plaits later…
I feel like life would be so much easier i fonly I had more family here with me. I look behind at my 6 squashed deflated motherlamps and I wish they were: mother, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, cousins..simultaneously I somehow realise it’s only. adream and it all seems so neccesary and perfect in my head because I don’t have it, I’m idealising it. I remember how annoying it is to be in Poland for a prolonged period of th=ime with everyone in the family expecting you to come and visit, taking over your time completely, not leaving any space for just being alone.
This dichotomy has become my permanent state: too alone in the UK, too overwhelmed with others in Poland, too much artist/not enough mother, too much mother/not enough artist, too busy/not busy enough.