Trying to work on a painting receiving a phone call from my mom and my kids wanting to talk to me course being angry because I’m trying to do something getting frustrated getting annoyed that someone’s calling interrupting telling them Off that I’m busy that I can’t talk because the paint is gonna dry Disconnecting immediately feeling guilty and angry and sad and trying to really just finish this painting and put a bit of that anger in that sadness and that feeling of fairness why does making why does having kids make me feel like I can’t just have my freedom and just do it and just create I have to constantly be interrupted by every day in the normal life and it really is just sometimes really fucking annoying because you’re trying to do something. It’s just for you. It just feels like there’s never space for that because whenever you do it you just end up feeling guilty like you shouldn’t have you shouldn’t have given that time to yourself in your own creation. You should always be available when they need you and they will always need you so there’s just no escape. I’m feeling trapped in this Stereotype of mother not being able to separate herself from her kids even if she manages physically mentally it’s just always there. They’re always there and any sort of attempt to just be with yourself and with something more important for just a few hours just seems impossible. The brown paint is the sadnessand despair. The red is anger, annoyance, constantly permanently, trapped. after the past, feeling a bit more peaceful, wiping away with water too much brown pain that I’ve put on trying to go back to the lighter underneath accepting that those feelings are just gonna be part of the process of life and maybe the fact there is just something I need to do what I do better and if I channel it, it helps to create something more honest.
02.12.25 – PAPER LAMP NUMBER 3
Working on the third paper lamp in the studio today getting really frustrated trying out something that was supposed to be easier and simpler and it’s not working instead of putting the entire paper in the tub and getting them wet. I’ve been spraying the paper in separate sections and trying to pin that to the mannequin and it’s just been a nightmare the paper is ripping. I feel like I completely lost all control over what’s happening with it and I’m just trying to save the situation because This stage will not be able to make another lamp from scratch so the lesson from this is next time don’t just don’t do this stick to the previous idea. Go to the bathroom make an entire wet and then paint it because I feel like it’s just works differently when I do it like that, but it’s gonna have to work this way. There’s nothing else I can do at this stage. I’m just going to have to go with this version for now and hope for the best