REFLECTION ON SEP 2025 FRINGE WARSAW NORBLIN EXHIBITION
I spent most of August preparing my exhibition Warstwy/Layers as part of Fringe Warsaw 2025. When I saw the space initially it freaked me out as it was massive and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to fill it up. It did however motivate me to work fast. I had to create 20 pieces 70 x 100cm and 8 smaller pieces 50 x 70cm of dancers, who I met during a previous artists-Dancers-mothers group exhibition. I arranged daily sessions with models/dancers and decided I will draw using acrylic markers and oil pastels on layers of vellum. As I was working I was worried and doubting myself at times, thinking the work is not good enough, thinking that people will see through me and think it’s just a bunch of meaningless lines. I wanted to make it „special” because I felt the drawings I created did not take enough time to make, definitely less than paintings. I was scared people would see that so initially thought of adding a dance performance but ended up with a light show using rechargeable long Astera lamps suspended on fishing wire, which then lit the images from the inside an were programmed to stimulate a breathing heart. My husband and kids created a 3min beating heart/asmr/radiohead piece of music which worked in harmony with the light show. The thing I loved about this is getting the family involved and creating something together.
Although stressful, tedious and hard (I had to create the catalog/poster/invitations/all descriptions for the exhibition and arrange printing of the pdfs, without help from assistants, which I couldn’t afford) I felt very grateful for all the help from my family and kindness from people who allowed me to use the space for free, who rented the lamps for free and who rented the frames for my drawings. In the end everything turned out great and I was happy with the result.
The biggest surprise came when nobody bought anything. Almost 100 people came, praised the work, showed interest in collaborating with me on future projects, said loads of positive things about the work and how it made them feel but all I could think about was: „why is nobody buying? What did I do wrong?”
I had a chat with my therapist about it and tried to understand why does money matter so much to me. I am trying to tell myself that the collaborations that were the result of this exhibition and which will take place in the next 2 – 6months are more meaningful. That the workshop, which took place the day after the opening, organised for psychiatric ward patients, who came to see my exhibition as part of their workshop is so much more meaningful than selling work. Yet somehow deep down there is that feeling of „my work is worth nothing if it doesn’t sell” and „what is wrong with my work? Should i do painting instead? What would sell better?”
I feel that constantly thinking about money and sales is a huge trap but somehow I can’t shake off that feeling.
I also realise it is really hard to be an artist when you don’t have complete financial back up behind you. I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world, have a mortgage, two kids with lots of after school clubs, a car to drive them to those clubs and in this situation single income of my freelance violinist husband
I am not sure what the solution is
I feel frustrated with myself for not being able to enjoy the experience of exhibiting. I feel I worked really hard and the result is 30 pieces of useless junk, which will just take up space in my parents or my home and I honestly just want to give it all away and start over.
I remember when I first got back into drawing right before and after covid and how much joy I had from doing it. I remember how exciting and enjoyable it was, how quickly the time passed when I was drawing. I worry that trying to make it into business is killing the joy of making it.
I remember half of my first big show two years ago selling out. I remember half of the work from Leytonstone Arts Trail in July selling out. I keep asking myself: what could I have done differently this time around? And: why can’t I enjoy this experience?
More questions:
Who am I doing this for?
What’s the point of all this?
I guess at this stage instead of focusing how bad I feel I just want to focus on the next thing. Another exhibition opening next week, a joined one, which will be part of a Ciało/Umysł modern dance festival 2025. It’s a collaboration with my mothers photographs of dancers/mothers and their daughters and interviews with dancers and artists such as my mum and me. This one is purely art, not for sale, I am preparing a movie from my drawing process combined with me hand writing a manifesto about the experience of becoming a mother for a creative person. The projection will be 2,5 x 4,5m onto a large black velvet curtain so hopefully only the lines will be visible. I will be showing the viewers around my side of the exhibition, explaining the piece and the process. I wonder how that one will make me feel.